I can't unders

 I cannot understand anything.

Why am I so different? I don't feel like I belong anywhere. When I'm with everyone else I feel like a total alien. I cannot understand how some people manage to fit in easily. I do not understand.

What is wrong with me? What is it that makes me so different from everyone? Was it really how I was raised or is it something else? Am I right about being autistic or am I just faking it? What if I just faked everything? What if it was all just something I convinced myself of? What if this is actually a me problem?

I hate when people ask me to just be normal I can't take it anymore LEAVE ME ALONE. I DON'T WANT TO TALK LEAVE ME ALONE PLEASE.

Was it really how I was raised? would everything have been better if I've gotten raised another way?

Can I go?

Can I go to heaven?

What is heaven?

For me heaven is a place where there are no differences. Where everyone has rights. Where everything is ok. Where I can talk all day about my interests and I will get listened to. Where everyone is everyone. Everything is fluffy and full of silly animals. A place where i can daydream all day and listen to music all day with no responsabilities. An empty canvas, where I can just create and create stuff, where nothing else matters.

Will I ever go to heaven?

I don't want to be here anymore.